YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
