I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
