I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
