her vagine was all disorganized.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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