I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
