My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
