In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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