Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
