She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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