he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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