Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
