Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
