I accidentally had phone sex last night
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
