I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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