I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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