I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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