Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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