I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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