Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Randomize
