He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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