I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
