I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
