he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
