i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
