I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
