I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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