She is in my trunk
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
