You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
