I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
