He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
