Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So many bounce houses so little time
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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