I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
