R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
