i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
