Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
