You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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