u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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