so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
