Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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