I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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