I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
