upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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