theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
