moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
This beer is not sobering me up at all
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
