i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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