mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I AM VODKA MAN
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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