What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
