Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
