Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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