If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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