Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
