she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
