Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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